The Week From Hell
by GryffindorGals
Summary: Lily Evans is forced to play host to two unwelcome visitors the summer before her last year at Hogwarts. With company like Sirius Black and James Potter, anything is possible.
1. Letters

Lily Evans lay on her bed staring at the white ceiling of her lilac room. It was the summer holidays and she was bored, she hadn't done anything yet and it was almost the first day of July. It was hard to go from an exciting world filled with magic, to this boring and plain one. Wondering what her best friend Emily was doing, she decided to owl her. Standing up and stretching, Lily strolled over to her desk, picked out her favorite quill, and began to write.

_Hey Emily!  
So how's your summer been so far? Mine's been completely and utterly boring. What are you doing next week? Please come over and take me out of my misery._

_~ Lily_

Once she was finished, she tied the parchment onto her black owl, Harry's leg, and explained to him where he was going. With a click of affection, he glided out the open window. Smiling, Lily dropped onto her bed and fell into a peaceful sleep.

Upon waking up in the morning, Lily found Harry back inside her room. As she pushed her covers out of the way and got up, she noticed her room had a slight draft. Stupid Lily, she thought, you forgot to close the window again. Going over to close it, Lily noticed Harry held Emily's reply on his extended foot. Petting her owl, she untied the parchment hurriedly from his leg. It read,

_Hey Lily,  
Summer's great so far! My parents and I went to France, but it was pretty boring there. You didn't miss much, though there was this really cute guy named Travis... Nothing compared to Sirius though. About next week, my cousin is coming over. Sorry, maybe the week after?  
~ Emily_

Lily grabbed another piece of parchment and quickly wrote a reply.

_Emily-  
That's okay. Could your cousin come here with you? They can even bring a friend, I don't mind! The more the merrier!_  
_ ~ Lily_

Lily quickly tied the message to Harry's leg, anxious for a reply. Within fifteen minutes, Harry was back and looking a little agitated. Lily snatched up the letter and read it frantically.

_Lily,  
You're sure about this? You really don't mind? If you are, we'll be over on Saturday for the week. Does that sound good?  
Owl me-  
Em  
_

Lily searched for a third piece of parchment, asking herself why in the world it wouldn't be okay.

_Emily,  
No, of course I don't mind! I'll plan on next week then. Don't bother owling me back! Can't wait until you get here!  
~ Lily  
_

Lily then, once again, tied her letter to an infuriated Harry, sighing in relief as he flew out the window. Her stomach grumbled as she glanced at the clock. She had exactly five days until Emily's arrival. Lily skipped her way down the hallway that lead to the stairs, her mind not even stopping to ponder which cousin Emily was bringing.

Those five days before Emily arrived seemed interminable. But it was finally Saturday afternoon and she was pacing in front of the living room fireplace.

"Lily, stop pacing, I'm trying to read!" Petunia yelled at her.

Lily lowered herself into an armchair.

"Why are those freak friends of yours coming anyway?" Petunia asked her harshly.

"In case you haven't noticed, I have friends," Lily retorted.

Petunia opened her mouth, and then closed it again before huffing out of the room.

"Lily, I really wish you'd be nicer to your sister," Lily's father said as both he and Lily's mother came into the room.

"How am I supposed to do that? She's just as mean to me as I am to her!" Lily said frustrated, watching her parents take a seat on the couch adjacent to her.

"We've had this talk before Lily," her mother said kindly. "Please try to see it from her point of view."

Lily avoided her parents' eyes and took a sudden interest in the carpet underfoot.

"When are you friends arriving?" Lily's mother asked.

"I'm not sure, Emily said sometime today..." Lily replied, and as if on cue, the flames roared in their fireplace and out popped Emily-covered in soot. Lily's parents said a quick hello before leaving to go prepare lunch while Emily brushed herself off.

"Hey Lily!" Emily said excited.

Lily flung herself at her friend. "Oh I'm glad you're here! It's been completely boring without you!"

Just then, the last person Lily ever expected to see at her house, flew out of the fireplace. James Potter.

"Hey Lils!" he said messing up his already ruffled hair with his hand. "You must have really missed me over the four weeks, two days, six hours and-" he glanced at his watch, "now eleven minutes we've been apart."

Lily wanted to say so many things at once that it all came out in a babble.

"You-what? No!" she screeched.

Emily faced her with a puzzled expression.

"You what?" she asked dumbly.

The second big surprise of the afternoon jetted out of the fireplace just as Emily spoke. Sirius Black landed on the Evens white-tan carpet, and immediately broke out into song.

"Do you really want to hurt me? Do you really want to make me cry?"

James put a hand over Sirius' mouth.

"Yeah, um-sorry about that," he said embarrassed, "He's been singing that ever since he heard it at that muggle beach."

There was an awkward silence in which everyone looked at Lily. All of this was too much for her. Potter and Black in her house. Her life was becoming a living hell!

"Emily," Lily said in the tone she used when she was pissed. "Why didn't you tell me WHICH cousin you were bringing?"

"I only have 14 cousins!" Emily said like it was the easiest thing in the world.

"Well, HOW THE BLOODY HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHICH ONE IT WAS?!" Lily screamed back.

James and Sirius stared at each other uncertainly.

"We'll... erm, just go now..." James said, pulling Sirius by the arm.

"Oooh! Can we go get popcorn?" he asked.

"Why?" James said blankly.

"Duh! Because of the catfight! ME-OW!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Padfoot!"

Sirius reluctantly gave in and the two Marauders slipped into the kitchen.

Watching them go, Lily slid on to the couch and began massaging her temples. .

"Oh this is brilliant! Just brilliant!"

"Hmm? I thought you were mad at me for bringing..." Emily trailed off looking at Lily, who had plastered the cheesiest smile on her face.

"No, Em, I'm not mad at you at all! In fact I'm very happy that your air-brained, love sick cousin and his perverted groupie friend are in my kitchen right now!" Lily said sarcastically.

"Phew! For a second there, you really had me worried!" Emily said relieved.

Lily smacked her forehead. "You really are stupid, aren't you."

Emily gasped, "Why, what did I do?"

Lily stood up, rolling her eyes and headed for the kitchen. What she didn't know, is what she heard next would scar her and her family for life.


	2. Strip Teams at Hogwarts

A/n:

Please R&R!

"Oh yeah, Lily's captain of the strip team at Hogwarts. She's brilliant, they have a show every Friday night," Sirius was telling Lily's petrified parents. They both wore shocked expressions, eyes wide with fear. Mrs. Evans was clutching her husband's arm as a life support, looking as though she might faint. Mr. Evans could have been mistaken for a ghost.

"Okay Sirius!" Lily said pushing him towards the door that lead outside. "Enough talking to my parents." Once they were outside Lily proceeded to screech, "What the hell was that all about? Where's Potter? Shouldn't he be watching you?! Honestly Sirius, telling my innocent parents that Hogwarts had a strip team? And I was the captain! How'd you come up with that one?"

Just then there was a loud pop from inside the house that sent Lily off running, completely forgetting about Sirius.

"Lily, I'm baaaack!" James yelled when he saw her sprinting towards him. He dropped the trunks he was carrying hoping to get a hug, but instead he got multiple punches in the face from a pissed red blur. "Ouch! Ah, Lily, I'm sorry for leaving you for so long!" he said trying to pry her off of him. When this method proved impossible he screamed, "Help! HELP! Emily don't just stand there! Stop laughing! Get off your ass and get Lily off me!"

Emily, who was indeed laughing to the point of crying, went over to Lily, grabbed her waist and pulled.

"You!" Lily seethed, her brilliant eyes narrowing down to mere slits. "You left Sirius alone with my parents! He was telling them that I was on a STRIP TEAM!"

"I'm sorry! I was just going back to get our trunks! I-"

Lily, still being held by Emily continued, "Can't you see it! Me! Lily Evens! On a strip team! My parents will never be the same!"

"Merlin would I like to see that," James mumbled to himself a little too loudly. Lily gave him a death glare before breaking free from Emily's grasp to go deal with Sirius.

Emily and James then heard multiple screams from outside before Emily said, "Shall we go upstairs then?" James quickly nodded as Emily handed him his and Sirius's trunks and grabbed her own while they quietly made their way up the stairs.

_This has been a hellish day,_ Lily thought as she walked upstairs ready to collapse into a deep coma-like sleep. After she had scolded Sirius and sent him up with the other hellion he called "friend", she still had to explain to her mortified parents that she wasn't on a strip team. Which was a tough one on her part. How do you explain to your muggle parents that Hogwarts doesn't have a strip team and Sirius Black was just "kidding"?

Lily had arrived at the hallway to her room when she heard voices. She tiptoed to the door and pressed her ear against it to hear Emily's frantic voice say, "Shhh! I heard footsteps! Act natural." Lily burst through the door only to find Emily sitting on the bed, legs crossed, hands folded neatly in her lap, looking nervous. James sat next to her wearing the same scared expression. Sirius on the other hand was sitting upside-down in a chair, head hanging off with his arms out to either side of him. When he saw Lily he shouted, "We're acting natural!"

Emily side-glance at Sirius giving him a stern yet surprised look.

In return Sirius smiled goofily.

Even though Emily was worried about Lily's reaction to everything that had occurred in the past few hours, she couldn't help but smile mushily at her dream boyfriend.

The awkward silence that had consumed the room was broken almost at once as a heavy smell replaced it. Lily, her nose being the most delicate of the four of them, was the first to say anything.

"What is that disgusting stench!?" she exclaimed, plugging her nose with her thumb and index finger.

Ewwww! James! Is that you?" Emily said also plugging her and moving farther away from her cousin.

James lifted his arm up and stuck his nose in his armpit. "No way, mine smells like lil-" he broke off and began to turn scarlet. "Ummm… I mean, no,"

Lily made a mental note to think about James's lily scented armpits later, but right now she had bigger problems than her best friends mentally disturbed stalkerish cousin.

There were four people in Lily's quaint room, and someone's' body sweat was making the room smell like armpits. Three of the four people were out of the running. That only left one person-

"BLACK!"

A/N:

Sorry for the short chapter, the next one will hopefully be a lot longer!

Also please check out our other stories!

Review!

Thanks : P


	3. Showers, Toilets and Boyfriends, Oh My!

"Yes Lily?" Sirius said smiling.

"Come here Sirius," Lily said sweetly motioning with her finger for him to follow her.

Sirius flipped over backwards off the chair he was occupying and skipped after Lily who was headed for the loo.

James looked at Emily and shrugging, they followed them into the Evans bathroom.

"Get into the shower Sirius," Lily demanded in a bossy tone pointing to it. "And keep your clothes on please." she wrinkled her nose in disgust at the thought of him naked in her bathroom.

Turning the water on only just began to take the stench away. Lily then handed Sirius a bar of soap, instructing him to scrub under his arms. Emily and James joined Lily and Sirius in the bathroom just as Sirius was only beginning to scrub his armpits.

"It's really hard to do this with my shirt on you know." he said, his girl charming powers kicking in.

James cracked a grin, while Emily giggled. Lily just stood there horrified.

"No way are you taking your shirt off!" she exclaimed glaring at Sirius.

Behind Lily's back, James was motioning for Sirius to lift up his shirt.

Sirius sighed, "Okay, If you insist Prongs." He began to take off his gray t-shirt.

"Ahhhh!" Lily screamed, jumping to tackle Sirius where he stood in her bathtub.  
Sirius's face went blank with shock of Lily spontaneously deciding to pounce on him, fully clothed in her shower.

"BLACK! LEAVE YOUR BLOODY SHIRT ON!" Lily screamed again, grabbing Sirius's shirt and pulling it down to his knees, all the while getting soaked from the downpour of the showerhead.

Sirius glanced uncertainly at James and Emily, who were both clutching their stomachs from laughing so hard.

"Lily, I think this was just an excuse for you to get in the shower with me." Sirius smoothly said, running his fingers through her hair. "Either that, or be closer to me than is normally necessary."

It took a few moments for Lily to fully process what Sirius had just said to her. Had he just- no, he hadn't! He wouldn't dare!

Lily, flattening out her thoughts and trying to ignore the water that was continuously drenching her said, "Did you just flirt with me?" in her don't mess with me tone.

Sirius and Lily hadn't noticed, but the room had gone completely silent. Neither Emily or James was laughing, they were both staring intently at the scene before them, for, Emily fancied Sirius and James... well, James has problems.

"I believe I just did Lilykins." he said like he was talking to a baby.  
Lily smiled. She was not going to let Sirius get the best of her.

"Really?" she asked, turning around so she was on the inside of the tub and Sirius was conveniently on the outside with no wall behind him, where he could mysteriously trip and fall. A land on the ground in a way so his neck could break kind of fall.

Sirius nodded grinning.

"Well then, you want to know what I think about that?" Lily continued.

Sirius nodded again, his grin becoming wider.

"I think..." she started leaning towards him, then pushed him with all her strength out of the bathtub and watched him fall head-first into the open toilet. "That your head smells like my toilet!"

Several laughs filled the room, Emily's snorty one, James's hysterical one, and Sirius's high-pitched one, which mostly consisted of a loud gurgling sound considering his head was still in the toilet. After a few moments, Lily couldn't help but to join in.

When Sirius had gotten his head out from the toilet and the giggling had subsided, Lily insisted that he take a proper shower.

"But I like the way I smell!" he pushed.

"Well I decidedly don't!"

"The way I smell is up to me anyway, so unless you smell me every spare moment of your free time-"

"Do you want your head in my toilet again?!"

"No!" he shouted, pushing everyone out of the bathroom and slamming the door.

Lily smirked. "I thought not," she muttered under her breath.

James threw his hands back behind his head, running his fingers through his hair and opening his mouth.

"Potter!" Lily yelled.

James looked surprised to be addressed so fiercely. "What Lilykins?" he asked innocently.

Lily crossed her arms. "Do you want to end up just like your little friend over there?" she asked, pointing her thumb in the direction of Sirius.

"No," James quickly replied.

Lily grinned. She finally had something to use against her deadly allies.

"Then cut the nicknames!" she retorted.

Emily was not at all content with just sitting on the sidelines through both of the rows that had gone on before her. So, finally deciding to speak up, she didn't get past

"Lily-" before Lily's head snapped up to face her friend.

"Emily! What the bloody hell were you thinking bringing these two here?!" Lily shouted at Emily.

Emily's reply was barely audible. "You... I... guess I thought-"

"Well I guess you thought wrong!" Lily stomped back to her room.

James looked at his cousin in complete awe.

"And you've been friends for how long?"

Emily looked up at James. "Shove off." Then she stumbled down the hallway after Lily, leaving a very confused James in her wake.

When Emily reached Lily's room the door was closed, so she knocked lightly.

"What?" Came the demanding tone of Lily Evans's voice.

Emily sighed, "Hey Lils, it's me."

Silence.

"Please, let me in?"

More silence.

Emily sighed again. She just couldn't take it anymore, "You know what Lily? I did bring James and Sirius here, and I'm sorry but you're going to have to deal with that fact. They aren't that bad are they? Can't we just try to make the most of this week?"

There was a silence from Lily. Opening the door she sighed, "Let's go find something to do," and walked out the door closely followed by Emily.

Lily and Emily found James talking to Lily's father in the kitchen. They were both smiling and nodding and had obviously found something to talk about. Lily, surprised, strode up to them and plastered a fake smile on her face saying to James,

"What are you doing?"

"Just talking to your father," he said grinning back at her.

"He's a charming young man Lils," her father said, "is he your boyfriend?"

Lily stood shocked. "I-uh-" she stuttered but James took over.

"No, sadly not, as much as I'd like to be." James flashed another award winning grin.

That smile should be outlawed, Lily thought.

"Okay then, err, let's go outside!" Emily said coming to Lily's rescue, pushing James out the door, leaving Lily with her father.

"Not your boyfriend huh? Why not? He was a nice boy, not too bad looking either," Mr. Evans said smiling.

"You obviously don't understand that James Potter is my sworn enemy." Lily said stiffly.

Mr. Evans shrugged. "Whatever you think honey."

Shaking her head at her father, she followed Emily and James outside.

Emily looked like she was talking to James about the week they were spending here and how she expected him and Sirius to behave. Lily made a mental note to laugh about this later.

"Hey," Lily said to her friend and... her friends cousin.

James and Emily turned to face Lily.

"So, starting fresh?" James questioned Lily and held out his hand.

Lily hesitated, but with an encouraging look from Emily, she gave in. "Sure," she took his hand. "But no more sweet talking my parents! And keep that pet of yours under control."

James broke the handshake. "The second one I can guarantee, but I'm not so sure about the first one. You know, we are going to be married someday, and it's best to get them on my good side now, rather than later."

Lily sighed, same old James Potter.

"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that." she said swiftly.

Emily giggled, but it quickly turned into a gasp.

"What?" James and Lily both asked.

Emily uttered two words that could alter the face of the planet.

"Where's Sirius?"


	4. Sirius's Costume

**The Week From Hell**

**Chapter 4**

**GryffindorGals**

**A/N: Sorry we're slackers and don't write often enough…**

**Disclaimer: Guess what? We **_**are**_** the Champions and we **_**will**_** rock you. As you may have guessed, we are Queen fans. Poor Queen fans who get lunch money from their parents. And who sadly do not own Harry Potter. ******

10 minutes earlier…

Sirius's POV

After his shower, which had thoroughly got the smell of pee out of his hair, Sirius decided to explore more of the house. Or more importantly, raid Lily's room. As he strode down the hallway, he conveniently ran into Lily's mother.

"Oh, hey Mrs. Evans," Sirius said smoothly.

"Hello, Sirius," She said back.

"Could you possibly point me in the right direction to Lily's room?" he asked.

Mrs. Evans nodded, smiling. "Yes, it's the second to last door on the left."

"Thanks, Mrs. Evans,"

"No problem," she said as she walked towards the stairs.

Sirius grinned to himself, "Wow," he said aloud. "Could this be any easier?"

When he reached Lily's room he began raiding her dressers, under her bed, her closet, basically anything he thought would conceal something juicy.

"Ooooh, Evans!" he exclaimed as he reached her underwear drawer and found a handfull of dark green lacy thongs.

But just simply looking at Lily's clothes wasn't enough for Sirius. No, he had to actually wear it. Right as he was putting the finishing touches on his "costume", he heard loud, hurried footsteps coming from the hallway.

Present

Lily's POV

Lily, James and Emily flew down the hallway; throwing doors open along the way. They had checked everywhere for Sirius, the bathrooms, closets, hallways. There was only one last place he could be…

Lily arrived at the door first and flung it open to find Sirius standing in the middle of her room, wearing her clothes. But Sirius wasn't just wearing any random piece of her clothing; he was wearing a green and black lace thong over his boxers and a matching bra. Lily's clothes were stretching themselves out to fit around Sirius, as he was much bigger then Lily.

Lily gasped. A second later, Emily and James were behind her, eyes wide, mouths open.

"Oh, hi Lily!" Sirius said happily, dancing over to her. "Do you like my outfit? Bet it looks familiar! Who knew that you wore such provocative things?"

Lily just stared at him in shock, unable to speak.

"What do you think Prongs? You always did think Lily looked good in green; does it work for me too? Though, I did always think I was more of a purple kind of person…"

James stuttered, "I-uh-you-what are you wearing!?"

"Lily's knickers of course! Don't you think the color matches her eyes well? Lily, do you have anything in gray that would match my eyes?"

Lily remained where she stood, appearing frozen and saying nothing.

Sirius ignored Lily's lack of response and turned to Emily. "How about _you_ Emily?" he asked kind of mockingly. "No, wait I forgot, all you have is-"

"Okay Sirius! I think that's enough!" Emily interrupted.

Sirius continued anyway. "-pink frilly bras that say "Sexy" and "Hottie" on them."

James cocked an eyebrow, "Really, Emily. I never thought of you as the pink frilly type."

"I'm _not_," Emily said glaring at Sirius then giving him a suspicious look, "And I don't know how you would know that…"

Sirius avoided her eyes looking at Lily. "Is she okay?" he asked, "Do you think she went into some kind of shock? What if she dies? Lily! If you can hear me hold on! Don't go into the light! We're taking you to St. Mungos right now-"

"Sirius," it was the first time Lily had spoken since they had entered the room. "GET OUT OF MY THONG!" she screamed, reaching for Sirius.

"HELP! SHE'S GOING TO KILL ME!" Sirius shrieked running in circles around the bedroom.

Before James or Emily could do anything but stare at the strange scene before them, Lily had Sirius by the ear and was pulling him out of her bedroom.

"I'm too hot and sexy to die! Lillllyyyy!"

"Grab his clothes." Lily said over her shoulder to Emily who snatched them from the floor and followed Lily out her bedroom door.

"What are you going to do to him?" Emily asked slightly worried.

"Throw him to a load of angry kappa's! Put him in a muggle contraption that slowly peels your skin from your flesh…" James answered for Lily.

"WHAT!" Sirius screeched. "Oh Lily! Please, I didn't mean to do it… really! I was only trying to entertain myself! It's not my fault! Don't throw me to angry kappa's!"

"Shut up Black." Lily snapped, pushing him into the bathroom for the second time today. "Change out of that and put your clothes on."

"Does this mean you aren't-" but Sirius's voice was cut off by Lily slamming the bathroom door on him.

"You two," she turned around to face Emily and James. "Can you _please _help me control him? If you want to enjoy this stay at all?"

"But Lils, I'm already having fun!" James said grinning and trying to put his arm around her. Lily took a step to her side to avoid his arm.

"Lily!" Mrs. Evans called from downstairs. " Time for dinner!"

Sirius shot from the bathroom, now in his own clothes, and sped down to the kitchen.

"Wow," Emily sighed watching her cousin speed down after Sirius, "Boys and food."

Lily smiled. "Does it seem to you like they're hungry all the time?"

"I thought it was just me." Emily said as she and Lily followed James and Sirius down to dinner.

**A/N: Please review! **


	5. Dinner Of Sorts

**A/N:**

**Finally! Another chapter!!! Sorry we have been slackers lately, school has gotten in the way a lot. We've gotten back into the not-one-shot mood, so be expecting more chapters of this, Things You Don't Want to Know, and Probably Shouldn't, Sex Ed, and lot's more!**

**Disclaimer: You're not quite evil enough. You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil, just one calorie, not evil enough. - Dr. Evil, ****Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me**

**Harry Potter = J.K.R.**

**Do you see 'GryffindorGals' in that equation? Didn't think so...**

Sirius and James were already seated at the table when Lily and Emily arrived downstairs. Lily's mother was pilling spagetti onto plates and her father was talking with James. James eyed Lily as her and Emily entered the room.

"So as I was saying, I would love to have Lily come to the Quidditch World Cup next week with me and my parents." James continued.

"I think she'd like that," Lily's father replied, and as he noticed Lily enter the room he added, "Oh, Lily! We were just talking about you!"

Lily raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yes," her father continued, "James here was just asking permission for you to go with him to see the Kattich World Cup!"

"Was he now?" Lily asked eyeing James.

"Dinner looks lovely, Mrs. Evans." James quickly changed the subject.

Mrs. Evans looked up from the pot of spagetti sauce heating on the stove and smiled. "Thank you, James dear. You know, honey, this one certainly is a charmer." she said as she looked at Lily and motioned to James.

James grinned.

Lily grunted and moved to take the seat beside Sirius, but Emiy stole it before she could get there. Mentally cursing, she was forced to take the one beside James. James's grin widened as he watched her sit down.

Scilence filled the room while spagetti was placed on the table, and garlic bread was passed around.

Sirius shovled the first bite into his mouth. "Wow, Mrs. Evans! This is fantastic!" he said with his mouth full.

Mrs. Evans winced as she saw some sauce/drool go flying and hit one of her curtains. "Thank you, Sirius," she replied through strained teeth.

Mr. Evans cleared his throat. "So, James, what do you plan on dong after school?" he asked, clearly interested.

James appeared actually pensive for a moment, Lily thought as he thought about what he had planned.

"Well, I would really like to work for the Ministry... But I would probably need higher rankings for a good well-paying job there." he said shrugging.

Emily rolled her eyes. "Oh, he's just being modest. He has the highest ranks in our class, besides Lily of course."

This didn't improve Lily's situation at all, her parents were now positively beaming at James. Was the whole world against her?

A loud scraping noise announced that Sirius Black had cleaned his plate. Before asking for more (if that sort of politeness had even crossed his mind), he simply just reached across the table himself and spooned more noodles onto his plate.

Then came the sauce. Maybe if he had had enough common sense to realize that the bottom of a metal pan indeed _would_ be hot if it had just previously been set on the stove at 400 degrees to heat up spagetti sauce, than he would have not grabbed it there and got it half way back to his seat before dropping it in mid-air, jumping out of his seat, running circles around the table screaming, "MY HAND!!! MY PRECIOUS MANLY HAND!!! IT BURRRRNNNNSSSS!"

Thankfully, the hot sauce only landed over everyones food and not actually _on_ anyone, so the only real problem was Sirius screaming, still running around the table.

"Sirius!" Lily and James shouted at the same time, standing up and going to grab him.

"My hand! My hand!" Sirius whined as they pinned him against a wall.

"I know it hurts, come here and let's rinse it in cold water," Lily said talking to Sirius as if he was a small child and taking him into the bathroom. James followed silently.

Once in the bathroom, Lily ran Sirius's burning hand under water and waited for him to calm down. James watched her admiringly. "Now, isn't that better?" she said, apparently having lost all will to try and stay mad at him from the previous events of the day.

Sirius nodded and smiled. Lily motioned for him to exit the bathroom. Once he w as gone, James smiled. "This has been a wonderful day, hasn't it?"

"It's not over yet, and I've got another 6 more days of this to look forward to." Lily grimaced at her shoes.

"Cheer up," James said pushing up her chin, "You've got me to help you get through it all."

"That's exactly what I'm worried about."

Emily pushed open the bathroom door, "What did you do Lily, fall in-" Emily started to say but then quickly backed out when she saw James. "Sorry!" She said from the other side of the door, "I didn't mean to interrupt the intimate moment…"

Lily rolled her eyes and opened the door.

"I'm going to bed," she said, "anyone care to join me?"

"I think Prongs would!" Sirius said appearing beside Emily.

"Sod off," Lily said walking past them and up the stairs. Emily glared at Sirius before heading up after her.

**A/N:**

**By the way, we beta read! So If you like our writing style, check out our beta reader profile and let us know : )**


	6. Sexalicious Lilykins

**The Week From Hell**

GryffindorGals

**A/N: **

**Good News- We have this whole story planned out.**

**Bad News- We are slow in the process of bringing everything together.**

**Disclaimer:**

**In short, we do not own Harry Potter.**

Lily downed the last glass of butterbeer before her walk from Hogsmeade back to Hogwarts. She stepped outside of the Three Broomsticks, only to be knocked over by the fierce wind making its way through the crowded street. She fell to the ground, her goodies from Honeydukes spewed everywhere. Just then, a pair of strong arms came over and began shaking her.

"Lily... Lily? Are you awake?" the voice was saying. It sounded so familiar, but she couldn't quite place it. And why was it asking if she was awake? Of course she was awake. She had just fallen and-

A sharp pain suddenly coursed through her right arm.

"Ouch! Bloody Hell, what was that?!" Lily Evans sat up in her bed so quickly, that the rushing fluid made her head pound. She massaged her temples taking in her surroundings. Just to her left was a terrified looking James, looking as though he would make a break for it at any second if she made any sudden movements. Next there was Sirius, standing behind James, also clearly afraid of Lily's next move.

"Why, if I may ask, are you standing in my bedroom?" Lily asked, glaring at them.

Sirius looked around. "We can sit if you like," he said.

Lily smacked herself on the forehead as Emily entered the room.

"I told you guys not to wake her up," Emily commented, rolling her eyes.

Breathing deeply Lily continued. "Why are you in my room again? And, er, Emily? Why are you in a towel?"

In fact, Emily was in a towel. Her long black hair also twisted up in a second one.

Emily glanced at James and Sirius. "You don't want to know."

Lily shook her head, "No, I don't."

"Oh, Lily, I need to borrow some underwear from you, too. Sirius, well, you don't want to know what he did to mine" She began rummaging around in Lily's dresser. "Err, and preferably not the ones he tried on over his boxers."

"Ewww! Girls borrow underwear from each other?" Sirius made a disgusted face.

"Uh, yeah," Emily said. "And unless you want to see me naked, I suggest you get out of this room in the next ten seconds."

James made a break for the door. Sirius however, sat down on the floor and made himself comfortable.

"Sirius NOW!"

Sirius perked up. "You want popcorn, _now?_ I guess I can do that... Be right back!" and he exited the room slamming the door behind him.

Emily rolled her eyes and turned back to rummaging through Lily's drawers.

Lily yawned, stretching her arms. "There's a clean pair on top of my dresser," she said helpfully.

Emily spotted them and said, "Thanks!" then rushed to the loo to get dressed.

Lily pulled the covers of her bed back and was just pulling down her pajama pants so that they were below her waistline when an unexpected visitor popped his head into the room.

"Hey, Lily," James Potter began, but his confidence soon fell as he spotted her pants halfway to her knees.

Lily snapped her head up to face James, and for the second time in two days, she was speechless and unmoving.

James blushed, and quickly put his hands over his eyes, covering them. "Err, right... I'll just go now..." he said turning blindly to leave, and in the process, running into the doorframe rather than going through the door. When he recovered, he raced out, slamming the door behind him.

_Well,_ Lily thought, _it could've been worse, I could've been wearing a thong... That would've been _really_ awkward!_

She tried to think of this as a positively as she could as she locked her door before continuing to dress.

A pair of shorts, and a tank top suited her in the warm weather today. Lily grabbed a hair band from her nightstand and threw her hair up into a ponytail, and headed towards the loo.

"Knock, knock," Lily said, knocking on the bathroom door.

"Oh, Lily, you can come in!" Emily answered.

Lily pushed open the door revealing Emily attempting to put on eyeliner. Lily went over to her bathroom closet and began rummaging for her toothbrush.

"You know what, Lily? I'm going to give you a make-over!" Emily turned around to face her, beaming.

Lily stopped short. "No."

"Aww, Lils! You are so gorgeous without it, imagine how gorgeous you'd be with make-up!"

Lily ran her fingers through her hair uncertainly. "But I _like _my natural look!" she complained.

"Please?" Emily stared at her with puppy-dog eyes.

"Errg! Fine!"

Emily pointed to the toilet. "Sit." she said.

"Wait, now?"

Emily rolled her eyes, "Yes, now!"

***

Lily stepped out of the bathroom quietly, hoping no one would hear her. She didn't want to be seen the way Emily had fixed her. She needed to escape somewhere where she could take off all this makeup unnoticed. Sadly, she was currently living with Sirius Black and James Potter. Going anywhere unnoticed was pretty much impossible with them around.

"Oh my god! Lily! What's wrong with your face?" Sirius exclaimed, seeing Lily emerging from the bathroom with Emily behind her. James immediately showed up beside Sirius.

"I've given her a make-over. Doesn't she look amazing?" Emily said smiling at her work.

James just stared at Lily wide-eyed.

"Look at her Prongs! Who knew Evans could actually look sexy?" Sirius said nudging his friend.

Lily rolled her eyes at Sirius and tried to walk away, but Emily stopped her.

"I think we need to show the new Lily Evans to the world. Let's go to that muggle thing with all the shops in it!" Emily announced.

"The mall?" Lily asked, "Definitely not. We're not going to the mall when I look like a-" but Lily was cut off.

"Yeah! That would be great! I could help Emily pick out some new underwear!" Sirius said excitedly.

"Come on Lils, it's be fun!" Emily whined. "I promise I won't ditch you and go off with Sirius like last time we went shopping!"

A vivid memory popped into Lily's mind of the time she and Emily ended up with Sirius and James in Hogsmeade. It must have been a plan that everyone was in on but her. Why else would all her other friends mysteriously have an essay they forgot to write? Then Emily decided she needed to buy new dress robes and Sirius wanted to help her pick them out. So James was conveniently left alone with her. Then he was his normal cocky self bringing her to the Three Broomsticks and asking her out in some new carefully planned out plan; having a chorus of singing house elves dance and sing while arraigning themselves to spell 'will you go out with me.' The whole day had been a complete disaster. Lily shook the memory from her mind.

"Fine."


	7. 99 Bottles of Butterbeer

**The Week From Hell**

**The GryffindorGals**

**Disclaimer: We've decided that squibs are made from Star Wars people stealing their powers.**

**Unfortunately, we don't own squibs or Star Wars, so we really don't have say in that matter.**

* * *

Fifteen painful minutes later, Emily and James were waiting by the door, while Lily was rummaging in her mother's purse for her car keys. Sirius, meanwhile, was "freshining up" in the Evan's bathroom.

Lily grasped the keys and muttered something about starting the car, and as she went, caught Emily by the sleeve and dragged her along. As the door slammed behind them, Emily and Lily could faintly hear James shout, "Padfoot! What the bloody hell is taking you so long!"

"Are we going in that muggle thing with the wheels?" Emily asked.

Lily sighed. "A car, yes."

Emily stared wide-eyed as Lily climbed into the car before them and twisted the key, and even flinched a bit as the engine roared to life.

"Well, get in!" Lily shouted to the stationary Emily.

Emily looked taken aback. "You know how to drive that thing?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Just get in before I change my mind."

Emily timidly made her way into the passanger seat just as Sirius and James appeared out the door.

"Oooh! I've always wanted to ride in one of those things! What are they called?" Sirius said enthusiastically.

"Cars." Lily replied, loosing her patience already.

Sirius and James filed in the back, and Lily pulled out of the driveway with a lurch. At this, Emily made a noise that resembled that of a injured animal, and grabbed her seat from the butt as if her life depended on it. Sirius, however, looked as though he was having the time of his life.

"What are these buckely things attatched to the seat used for?" he asked.

"Those are called seat-belts, Sirius. They hold you down to the car incase of an accident."

"Hmm.... It sounds more like something you would use in a carnival ride." Sirius said thoughtfully.

Emily perked up. "Oh, Lily, that reminds me, your parents told me about a carnival they said we might like to go to on Thursday."

"A muggle carnival? Do you thinks there's a petting zoo? Oh! Oh! Oh! Lily can we go? Pleaseeeee?" Sirius pleaded.

Lily responded with an annoyed grunt and gripped the steering wheel so tight, her knuckles turned white. She saw James and Emily exchange a nervous glance out of the corner of her eye.

Emily and James sat in an awkward silence, while Sirius sat rocking back and forth, humming something that sounded horribly like showtunes.

"Errr... How about some music?" Emily suggusted, reaching for the stero nobb.

A peircing screem filled the car as heavy-metal music blasted through the speakers. Everyone covered their ears as Lily quickly changed the station.

"Ahhh, this is more like it." Sirius said upon hearing the change of station.

Elton John's _Your Song_, now sounded pleasantly through the speakers.

"Are we there yet?" Sirius asked asked after the song had passed.

"Twenty more minutes, Sirius." Lily replied.

The remaining minutes of the car ride did not pass by silently. Sirius found pleasure in singing, "99 bottles of butter beer on the wall," quite loudly, while the rest of the car flinched as he struck squeaky high-notes.

Finally, they reached the mall parking lot. Sirius grabbed James by the arm and pulled him out of the car towards the mall entrance. James waved fleetingly to Lily before stumbling over his own feet in attempt to catch up with Sirius.

"Are you gonna get out of the car?" Emily asked Lily after a few moments.

Lily, however, was quite content with staying put in the car.

"I havn't decided." she said truthfully, crossing her arms.

Emily sighed, got out of the car, and walked around to Lily's window.

"Did you notice," Emily said, "that James didn't utter a word that whole car ride?"

Lily thought about this for a moment. He hadn't.

"He tries really hard for you, Lily."

Lily turned up to face Emily, who held eye contact a moment before walking away. She paused briefly and said over her shoulder, "Cut him some slack once in a while."

She had no choice. Unbuckleing her seat-belt, she ran to catch up with her friend.


	8. Reunited and It Feels So Good!

**  
The Week From Hell**

**GryffindorGals**

**Disclaimer:**

**Disclaimers are so over-rated. I mean, really, if we were JKR why would we be writing on fanfiction instead making any money off of our brilliance?**

* * *

"So, where are we going first?" Lily asked Emily.

"I thought we'd go to Victoria's Secret first, I need new underwear." she said.

"That'll make Sirius's day," Lily muttered.

"Hmmm?"

"Nothing... Er, shouldn't we find James and Sirius first though?"

Emily rolled her eyes. "There's no need. Look."

She was pointing to Victoria's Secret, and sure enough, there was Sirius and James.

Sirius was holding a skimpy peice of lingerine up to his torso, obvioiusly asking James's opinion on it, when he spotted Lily and Emily. Then, waving vigerously, he ran out of the store to greet them, still holding the lingerine.

"Lily! Emi- AHHHH!"

The store alarm suddenly began beeping loudly, and two police officers came out of nowhere and grabbed Sirius. Sirius looked alarmed.

"WHA-! Don't let them take me away! DON'T JUST STAND THERE!" Sirius yelled.

Lily, James, and Emily were frozen where they stood.

"Lily? Lily Evans?" the taller of the police officers said.

Lily appeared dumbstruck. Emily elbowed her in the ribs.

"Errr... Yes?" she said in a high squeeky voice.

"It's me," the officer began, letting go of Sirius's arm in surprise. "Lenard, Lenard Doyle."

Lily still looked confused. She eyed his lanky frame. Not lanky in an attractive way, the kind of lanky an awkward thirteen year old has just after they hit puberty. He had blond hair that fell flatly at a neat part in the middle of his forehead, and extremely light skin that looked as though it had been slathered with sun screen. He spoke nerd in a newly discovered way.

"Don't you remember me?" Lenard continued. "We were in the fourth grade together."

"Oh.... Er, hi?" Lily said uncertainly.

"I havn't seen you since you transfered to that bording school!" Lenard smiled. "Here I get done my shift in ten minutes," he said, glancing at his watch. "Why don't we meet up in the food court after I take this guy in." Lenard motioned to Sirius.

"Umm... That sounds great, but could you excuse my friend, he's not from around here..." Lily said.

Lenard's smile widened. "If you say so." he said, looking at Sirius. "Any friend of Lily Evans is a friend of mine!"

Lenard waved off his parter, and he let go of Sirius.

"See you in ten, then!" Lenard waved and he turned to walk away, but cut himself short. "Oh, and make sure you return- er... that item." he guestured towards the lingerine Sirius still held in his hands.

"Wow, Lily, even with the muggles you're popular." James said, jokingly.

Lily turned around and playfully hit James on the arm. "Not funny!"

"I thought it was pretty funny," Sirius said.

"No one cares what you think Sirius!" Emily said. "Now go return that thing in your hands!"

Sirius's face lit up. "Actually Emily, that's what I was trying to tell you before those people grabbed me! I was going to say you should get this, I think it's really hot."

Emily looked flattered, but rolled her eyes. "Just go before you really get arrested."

Sirius pranced off into Victoria's Secret and handed one of the saleswomen the lingerine.

"Let's get out of here before we see Lenard again," Lily said.

"What- no! He was sweet Lily!" Emily said.

"Personally, I thought he was rather creepy," James said defensively.

Emily crossed her arms. "What's the matter James? Afraid of a little competition?"

James ran his hand through his hair. "No... he just strikes me as the kind of person you would yell 'pedifile' at when your within ten feet of him."

Lily burst out laughing, while Emily turned the slightest bit red.

"He just seemed sweet is all...." Emily trailed off.

Sirius trotted back from Victoria's Secret and said, "I'm hungry, let's go to the food court."

"Sirius we just ate breakfast! How can you possibly be hungry?" Lily asked.

"I just am, okay?" he said, shrugging his shoulders.

"Fine, but let's make it quick. I want to avoid running into Len- Oh! Er, hi Lenard!" Lily stammered awkwardly.

"Hey Lily!" Lenard said, running over to the group.

"Er, I thought you were getting done in ten minutes? It's only been five..."

"Oh, well, I'm only volenteering here. It's the closest I could get to a real on-call police job." Lenard said enthusiastically.

Lily immeadiately went into a coughing fit in attempt to hide her smirk. She highly doubted that patrolling the mall was a cry for danger. Emily, James, and Sirius just stood there looking baffelled.

"Merlin, Lily. Are you okay?" asked James, patting her on the back.

"What's a po-lice?" Sirius asked.

Everyone stared at him, Lenard quite percuelirally.

"Er, excuse him... he's not-"

"From around here, Lily's told me." Lenard smiled at Emily. "So, anyway, who's up for some lunch? It's on me!" he said, clapping his hands together.

"Oh er- actually, we were just-"

"Come on Lily." Emily said, pulling her by the arm.


	9. Sirius's New Obsession

**The Week From Hell **

**GryffindorGals**

Arriving at the food court, Sirius ran up to the first food counter he saw and looked up at the menu. "What's a ham burger? Is it hippogriff? Can I get seven of those?"

"What do you want on them?" the man behind the counter said in a monotone voice.

"You put stuff on them? Like what kind of stuff?"

"He'll have everything on it." Lily said appearing behind him.

"Does anyone else want anything?" Lenard asked, gesturing to Emily, Lily and James.

"No thanks, we just ate," Lily said quickly.

Lenard payed before walking over to the nearest table. "Here, let me get that for you," he said to Lily, pulling out her chair for her.

Lily reluctantly sat down and smiled fakely at him. "Thanks," she mumbled.

Lenard took the seat next to her. James, glaring at Lenard, sat down on Lily's other side. Emily and Sirius approached, each carrying a tray piled with hamburgers.

"So Lily," Lenard said leaning towards her. "I was just wondering, do you have a boyfriend?"

Lily paled. Lenard's eyes were wide with hope. But before she could stutter an answer, James came to her rescue.

"Sorry Lenard, but in case you haven't noticed- Lily is _my_ girlfriend."

And making sure Lenard got all of the facts straight, James placed his arm around Lily.

Lenard's face fell. "Oh... I didn't think... I guess I got the wrong impression from you two- sorry...."

Sirius froze with his second hamburger halfway to his mouth. "Bloody hell Prongs, since when have you been- OWW!" Emily stepped on his foot under the table.

"Oh, yes, they've been going out for ages." Emily said smiling at Lily.

Lily, still shocked muttered, "Yeah."

"Wow, that's err, great Lily, really great." Lenard said awkwardly. Looking for a distraction, he looked at his watch. "Oh, look at the time, my next shift starts in five minutes. I'd better get going." He started to walk away, but turned back to say, "I'm having a party Tuesday night, you guys should come."

"That would be great Lenard," Emily grinned.

"Actually, I go by Len now. Duty calls," he said, leaving the food court, winking at Lily.

"Bye now Len," James called after him mockingly.

"What. A. Git." Sirius said through mouthfuls of his fourth hamburger.

"Err, thanks James," Lily said staring down at the table. "He's really... well, odd."

"I'll be your fake boyfriend anytime Lils," James squeezed Lily tightly, his arm still around her.

Lily smiled awkwardly up at James as he withdrew his arm and grabbed a hamburger from Sirius's tray and began unwrapping it.

"You know," Sirius began, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, "these things aren't half bad!"

Emily nudged Lily with her foot.

"Huh? What?"

"You're staring." she mouthed across the table. Although there was no need, James and Sirius were both nawing on their food quite loudly.

Lily snapped her mouth shut and adverted her eyes, while Emily giggled silently.

"Where did you want to go now?" Lily asked her friend, returning to her normal annoyed self and giving her a hard glare.

"Hmmm... well, I still need to go back to Victoria's Secret..."

"Let's get that over with then," Lily said getting to her feet. As Sirius and James made a motion to follow, she added, "And, er, why don't you and Sirius go to the comic book store. We'll meet you there at quarter to two."

"Right," James nodded, having no idea what a comic book store was.

Emily and Lily bade them good-bye and headed back to Victoria's Secret.

"Ohhh! Lily! Look at this!" Emily shouted from across the store.

She was holding up a frilly, pink, polka-dot bra.

Lily rushed over. "You know, the point of fitting in is so people _don't_ look at you,"

Emily waved her hand in a care-free manor. "It's not like I was doing a spell or anything. Now, isn't this cute!"

"Very," Lily commented distractedly checking her watch. "We have ten minutes."

"Relax, what are you so worried about? They'll be fine. Oh merlin! matching underwear!" she said excitedly. "Lily, look at this! Lily?"

But Emily didn't have to ask, she saw it with her own eyes.

"Bloody hell."

**Thirty Minutes Earlier**

"Prongs? Prrroooongggggsss!"

"Huh? What?"

"You're staring."

James shook his head. "Right, er- what's a comic book store?"

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know, but I think there's a map over there by that ice cream place." he pointed. "We passed it on our way over here,"

"Good idea, let's go."

"Wait, lemme finish this first." Sirius pointed to the one remaining hamburger on his tray. James watched wide-eyed as he stuffed the whole thing into his mouth and swallowed. "Done!"

"Bloody hell, Padfoot!" James exclaimed.

Sirius grinned as he and James walked over to the map.

"Hmm... So, we're here," James said, pointing to a large arrow that read 'you are here'.

"Way to point out the obvious," Sirius smirked.

"Shut up. Comic book store, on the other side of the mall, that way." James said, nodding Sirius in the right direction.

Sirius looked crest fallen. "That way? But that's on the complete opposite side of this place that Emily and Lily are! Why would she send us way over there?"

James simply shrugged in response. But he had a feeling that he knew exactly why Lily had sent them to the other side of the mall.

"Wow this place is big!" Sirius said. "Just look at all the stores! Oooh look! A wig stand!"

James rolled his eyes as he watched Sirius try on at least seven different wigs, all neon colored. Sirius then refused to leave until James gave his opinion on whether he looked better in vibrant yellow or fuchsia. When they reached the comic book store they, or rather Sirius, had already eaten up fifteen minutes of their time.

James stared around at the many books and huge life-sized cut outs of men wearing ridiculous, colorful outfits and women wearing skimpy, revealing leotards, and knew immediately that Lily had sent them to the wrong place. How could they possibly find this entertaining?

"Books?" Sirius stuck his tongue out as he picked up the nearest one and flipped through its pages. "Who's Superman?" he asked James.

"No idea, mate."

"Well, whoever he is, he sure kicks some arse!" Sirius said a bit too loudly, for people in the vicinity shot him and James dirty looks and moved away.

James peered at the comic. "Bloody hell, what is he wearing?"

"Man-tights."

"Enlightening. But, we should really-"

But Sirius was darting towards a big crowd in the back-corner of the store. As James approached it, he realized it was some kind of mini-convention, clearly centered around this character Superman. There were Superman comic books, action figures, key chains, lunch boxes- anything you could possibly think to put Superman on. And Sirius had it all in his hands. He was also screaming, "Superman! Superman!" and cutting in line to see a man dressed in a superman costume who clearly looked uncomfortable. Before he could reach the beginning of the line, a man who was obviously in charge waved his hands and cleared his throat to call attention to the group, then announced that Superman would be signing no more autographs today.

"What!" Sirius screamed disappointed.

James rushed forward to restrain his friend as he tried to run after the unnerved superman, but was unable to, and watched open-mouthed as Sirius proceeded to chase his "beloved hero" out the store entrance. Regaining his common sense, James rushed out after Sirius, shaking his head as he went.

**Victoria's Secret - Present**

"Please tell me I'm seeing things." Lily asked as her eyes followed the scene before her, watching as Sirius chased Superman around and around a monument, screaming 'Superman! WAIT!', followed by no more than four police officers.

Emily shook her head. "I don't think it's possible for both of us to go crazy in the same day, although I'd take St. Mungo's any day for this."

**A/N: Reviews= Happy Us= More Chapters :)**


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